Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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