After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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