The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
