i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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