I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
What drink are we having for lunch?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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