I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
