No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
