doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
