My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
