turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
