i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
