I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
