Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
