K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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