the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
