I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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