I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
