Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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