I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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