In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
