I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
