I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
