DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize