I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize