I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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