Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
