yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
