You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
