i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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