so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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