tell your sister to shave her snatch
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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