Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My underwear smells like fireworks.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
