It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
