I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
