Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
one might say we're banned from that church
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
