I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
