if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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