o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize