so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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