he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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