Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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