Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
