There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
