I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
