we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
