Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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