it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize