Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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