She is in my trunk
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
