Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
