it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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