the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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