I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
