I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
