tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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