My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Floor bacon is actually really good
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
