I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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