so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
