I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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