why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
