Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
