I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
