goodnight i made you a song goodbye
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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