What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
